2012 stunned me at times into bouts of tears and into moments of silence. 2012 also amazed, leaving me overjoyed and lightheaded from breathless laughter. This was a year of losing and gaining: friends, gigs, lovers, Spirit, ego, confidence, fear and fortitude. At my lowest I found strength and resilience. They were actually waiting for me. The more I peeled back the doubts and let go of the “Why Me’s,” the more I loved even my broken/ broke, dispirited self. And then before I knew it, I wasn’t so broke or broken anymore. Through the tears, the sweat and the struggle I somehow emerged. More graceful. More secure. More me. When I was about to lose it my friends and fam pulled me on through. I held tight. Thank you!
My back was sho’ nuff bent, but my eyes looked upward. In 2012 I got real intimate with my lonely side, my frustrated side, my confused and sad side. She’s not easy, but Mamacita was forgiving and open to healing. I had met Her, this dark side of me in 2006 and this dame stayed around for two years back then while I watched my father’s sickness progress and then endured his transition. I think she may have gotten the best of me back then but in 2012, instead of fearing her and suffering under the weight of my difficult circumstances, I embraced Mamacita. At one point in November I had $97 to my name and needed help. I was going through a rough patch with a family member and I needed a shoulder to cry on. I borrowed money, asked for favors and I cried on several shoulders. Mamacita was out this year, strutting down the runway that was my life and I didn’t care. Shoot by December we were doing shots together and I realized that my broken spirit, well She no longer wanted to be broken. She was ready to mend. And so I took a salsa class. I was horrible. Felt like crying that first class when EVERYBODY was so advanced and I couldn’t even get the basic step. But I came back every week for a month and even though I can’t say I’m a good salsa dancer, not even close, I can say the experience made me feel better even sexier. The getting out and learning something new healed some bruising I had not acknowledged. Despair was out the back door. I forgave myself for not working my full potential as a writer and thinker this past year, for not walking back to say hello to that handsome guy who winked and said hello as he passed me by, for not going to the gym the last three weeks of December. I danced even when I knew a class of 15 others was looking on. I danced despite being off of my 7-count and there was still a healing.
Now I anticipate 2013 without so much as a glance back. I’m moving forward, head back and just a’ twirling into 2013– a year that I hope and pray will acknowledge my awakening and transformation with adventure, fulfillment and delight. I resolve to be ready. To be determined. To be less fearful. To be happy. I hope your 2013 is filled with whirlwind joy, gentle grace, solid friends, dancing and oh yes, sweet breathless laughter! Happy New Year!
“One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.” -Paulo Coelho