theHotness

November 11, 2011

Category: Real Talk

Under Construction & Over The B.S.

A lil’ over a month ago I realized this website wasn’t the only thing in need of an overhaul. My plug-ins needed to be refreshed and so did my attitude. I wasn’t depressed or going through a mid-life crisis, but something was certainly glitchy. Like my site, design wasn’t a major issue. I felt like I was looking flyer than ever— I had lost nine pounds and it showed, my hair still had that summer sheen and it was late September, and my skin glowed with a sweet chocolate shimmer. Shoot I had it going on! It’s not until I pressed myself to dig deeper that I confronted my sluggish spirit.

You remember back in the day when we had dial-up and our computers would start buffering every time we tried to view a video? Well, that was my spirit—my psyche was frequently in this buffering state. I freelanced and initially loved it so fiercely, but after a few tumultuous incidents that love quickly faded. I was hired at a major media company only to have that offer rescinded three days later due to a “break in protocol” by the hiring editor. And then I can’t forget the time I shared my idea for a story and then a few months later opened a magazine saw that very idea executed by the person with whom I shared said idea. Yeah, by Labor Day I was beat down. So I just started settling on doing whatever B.S. I was assigned just to keep the lights on and to cling to a dream I was losing faith in. I had to hold on to something even if it was a compromise because it’s better to have a fistful of peanut shells then have a fistful of nothing, right?

This clinging and compromising didn’t begin and end with work though. One night, just a few weeks ago, while laying in bed thinking of everything, but nothing in particular, I realized that I had been seeing a man for almost three months that I really liked and who really liked me, but who openly admitted, from the very beginning, that he was unwilling to be in a relationship at the time. How was I—a woman who wholeheartedly wants to be in a relationship, who wants to have children very soon, and who wants to get married— how was I seeing someone, actually straight falling for someone who did not want to be in a relationship? One word: Buffering! I was clinging on so tightly to my desire to be in a relationship that I didn’t allow myself the dignity to revel in the truth, which was in fact, that I was not in relationship.

Seriously, I think the older I get, the more apt I am to get stuck—not necessarily moving away from what I want, but surely not moving towards it. And it’s not just me. Some of my closest friends are in emotional quicksand up to their waists– stuck in loveless marriages, in jobs they do very well, but hate with every fiber of their being, and in bodies that they cover in baggy jeans and caftans because they love themselves, but not all the weight they’ve gained. This rut must be as wide as the Nile because there are so many of us stuck there in limbo waiting for that connection so that our own personal fulfillment video will play.

And it’s one thing to be forced to make changes by outside forces out of our control, like losing a job or the death of a loved one or even divorce, but it’s another matter entirely to put oneself under construction. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to update theHotness, especially when I saw other blogs and how their new fangled plug-ins just made them look oh so sophisticated, but I just didn’t feel like going through the process. Now I know this is why I love Mfon Essien—my muse and hero, so very much! At a time when her body was challenging her with cancer she challenged it right back. By not just having a mastectomy, but by then flaunting it beautifully in her massive solo exhibition at The Brooklyn Museum she put herself under construction and came out a new, better, more fierce creature. Even now since her transition, like a Phoenix, she is resurrected!

Anyway it wasn’t until I was so disgusted with the site’s lack of functionality that I decided to tend to my old ass HTML. Unlike my 20’s, I’m grown now. I was stuck and gave a fruck! I didn’t completely love where I was in my life and I couldn’t front any longer, it mattered to me. So while I worked on revising theHotness, I worked on revising my attitude about life. So today as I re-launch theHotness 3.0, a slightly new, yet very improved version, I’m also re-launching myself. I got over the B.S. I went through with former editors. It wasn’t meant to be. Besides I always have more ideas. I pitched my services to other associates and now I have a social media gig, two features in the pipeline for two major mags and I’m focused on dating men that want the same things I want right now. It’s not easy at all. In fact it’s a bit scary, tough and very thrilling. I’m putting my whole, exposed, authentic, weary, fickle, cellulite having, loving, jaded, but sensitive self out there. I’m re-wiring my brain to think differently about what I deserve. Jackhammering my heart and spirit to love again fully and freely without doubt, baggage and negativity. Rebooting is more than a notion y’all it requires focus and brutally honest self-exploration. And I’ll warn you now: You might find some bugs within the site. We are still working out some of the kinks. And please know I’m still battling my demons too. It’s a process. My nerves are tested damn near every day, and situations are constantly assessed. If it works, it stays and if it doesn’t, it’s gotta go. In the virtual world of web design we call this stage BETA– the site is live, but being tested and re-worked. In the real world, I had forgotten, but we call this LIFE. Now let’s live it and love it all. Welcome!

Tags: Brooklyn Museum, empowerment, freelancing, Holstee Manifesto, inspired life, love, Mfon Essien, relationships, writer